


Dear Murphy Family

by orphan_account



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Letters, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-22
Updated: 2019-01-22
Packaged: 2019-10-14 09:11:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17505755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: What if Evan wrote Words Fail as a letter to the Murphy's before he actually told them the truth?Words Fail Songfic





	Dear Murphy Family

**Author's Note:**

> I had to take out a couple lyrics so that it wouldn't seem choppy. sue me. but don't. please.
> 
> i own nothing okay?? this song isn't mine?? obviously???

Evan sighed, choking back tears as he flopped onto his bed. He couldn’t keep going on like this, lying to everyone the way he was. He couldn’t keep lying to Alana, to his mother, even ro Jared, but he especially couldn’t keep lying to the Murphy’s.

The Murphy’s have done so much for him, have been so kind to him, and all he ever did was lie to him. He couldn’t take that anymore, he couldn’t keep giving them false confidence the way he was. 

He didn’t know how to tell them. He could vent to Jared, but Jared wouldn’t care. And he was clearly starting to get upset about his role in the connor project, and this web of lies in general. So, Evan did the only thing he could think of. He pulled out his computer, and started to type. 

 

_ Dear Murphy family, _

_ I never meant to make it such a mess, I never thought that it would go this far. _

_ So I just stand here sorry, searching for something to say… Words fail, there's nothing I can say. _

_ I guess I thought I could be part of this, I never had this kind of thing before. _

 

Evan thought about the family dinners the Murphy’s had, how they were always welcoming to him. How they would let him use Connor’s room if he needed, even if the atmosphere in there was uncomfortable. How Cynthia would try her hardest to please Larry and Zoe, because she felt it was her fault that Connor killed himself.

He never had that. If Evan was in Connor’s position, it would take Heidi  _ days _ to find him. She was never around, after all. He can’t remember the last family dinner they had, a nice sit down, proper meal between the two of them. Hell, he can’t remember the last time there wasn’t slight tension between him and his mother due to how often she was gone. It hurt his heart, that was what he deserved. Not a nice family that cared for him based off a lie.

Evan thought about Zoe, how beautiful she was, how she just wanted to be known as Zoe Murphy. Not the dead kid’s sister, not the daughter of Cynthia and Larry Murphy, but as Zoe. She was perfect, and she loved him. Evan loved her. When she finds out about Evan’s lies, however, she definitely will not love him anymore. 

_ I never had that perfect girl who somehow could see the good part of me. I never had the dad who stuck it out, no corny jokes or baseball gloves. No mom who just was there, ‘cause mom was all that she had to be.  _

Evan shook his head. That wasn’t a good excuse for what he was doing to this innocent family. They didn’t deserve bad excuses, they deserved much more. 

_ That's not a worthy explanation, I know there is none. Nothing can make sense of all these things I've done. _

_ Words fail, there's nothing I can say, except sometimes, you see everything you wanted, and sometimes, you see everything you wish you had, and it's right there, right there, in front of you. And you want to believe it's true… so you... make it true. And you think maybe everybody wants it… and needs it a little bit, too. _

Evan sighed, as a tear rolled down his face. This was so sad. This was worse than the letters he wrote for Dr. Sherman. At least those didn’t make him feel guilty as he wrote them. Then again, he also didn’t feel guilty about lying on those either. 

Evan felt awful, The Murphy’s deserved so much better, and he has to tell them his  _ real _ relationship with Connor. The non-existent one. The one where the only time they talked was the brief moment where Connor was in a good mood, and signed his cast. That was what the Murphy’s needed to know. That’s all he had to tell them. If he just told them the truth, maybe things wouldn’t be as bad. Maybe he could be there for the Murphy’s in a different way than lies.

_ This was just a sad invention. It wasn't real, I know. But... we were happy, I guess I couldn't let that go, I guess I couldn't give that up. I guess I wanted to believe, 'cause if I just believe, then I don't have to see what's really there. No, I'd rather pretend I'm something better than these broken parts, pretend I'm something other than this mess that I am, 'cause then I don't have to look at it, and no one gets to look at it, no. No one can really see… _

_ 'Cause I've learned to slam on the brake, before I even turn the key. Before I make the mistake, Before I lead with the worst of me, I never let them see the worst of me! _

Evan sighed at himself. Here he went, making this about himself again. That’s all he ever did, right? 

_ Because what if everyone saw? What if everyone knew? Would they like what they saw? Or would they hate it too? Will I just keep on running away from what's true? All I ever do is run So how do I step into the sun? _

Evan heard the door open as he wrote the final sentence to his letter. He quickly signed the letter and looked at it. 

“Evan? You home?” Heidi called out, to which Evan answered, “Yeah!” 

He looked back at his computer, the letter he knew he would never show anyone. 

_ “How do I, step in, step into the sun…. Step into the sun?”  _ He sang quietly to himself as he shut his computer. 

**Author's Note:**

> This is so bad, i'm so sorry. 
> 
> Please comment and kudos. I take constructive critism, with tears, but I take it.


End file.
